


The Long and Short, Short of It

by shulkie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Baking, Fluff, M/M, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff, no seriously fluff, side Armin/Jean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 22:38:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3335366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shulkie/pseuds/shulkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren tries to bake cookies for his Valentine. It's a disaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Long and Short, Short of It

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is [perksofbeingawaifu](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Are you ready for a dumb cookie baking fic with a cute classic studies nerd? Yeah you are! Get pumped!

“What are we doing exactly?” Armin asked, eyeing the mess piling up on the counters.

By “we” he meant the royal “we,” not “we” as in “he and Eren” because he definitely wanted no part of whatever was about to take place. However, concern for his best friend meant that he couldn’t simply ignore the ominous sound of a brand new cookie sheet being slapped on the counter. So the “we” was more of a suggested “we.” A wee “we,” if you will. The kind of “we” that involves Armin taking Eren to the hospital for burns and being berated by Mikasa, because this is where this endeavor was heading.

“I was thinking how everyone gives chocolate or roses for Valentine’s Day,” Eren said, pulling out a large bag of flour.

“Right,” Armin nodded, following so far.

“And it is so trite, you know? Just more of the consumptive capitalist Hallmark culture that is poisoning our society.”

“Mhm,” Armin nodded, still focusing on the word “consumptive” and wondering if Eren meant that capitalism was like a disease or if he meant “consumer culture.” There was a lot of work to being Eren’s best friend. A great portion of it was saying as little as possible.

“And I got to thinking, instead of being just another cog in the machine, another screw in the wheel, why not instead make something?”

Armin was stuck on “screw in the wheel.”

“I called up Sasha and asked her for her favorite cookie recipe and I’m going to do it. I’m going to make cookies so delicious and so beautiful everyone on Pinterest will be all ‘Wow, those look amazing can I have the recipe?’ and I’ll be all ‘SIKE! The secret ingredient is my baller cooking skills!’”

“I—sure. May I ask who the recipient of your gift might be?” Armin asked, watching Eren set down the flour heavily, sending a cloud up into his face.

“Oh!” Eren coughed, shaking flour out of his hair. “…No one.”

This last bit was said in a small voice that couldn’t be called convincing, but Armin wasn’t one to press.

“Right, well, I’m going to go study now,” Armin said turning on the spot, figuring if Eren wasn’t going to divulge the object of his affection then he was free to leave and go make out with Jean in the stacks of the law library.

“Wait, can you tell me what ‘extract’ means?” Eren asked.

Armin was used to these kinds of questions. Being roommates in the same dorm room, they often wrote essays next to each other in their bean bag chairs and Eren always shouted out loud for Armin to spell words for him or offer synonyms because Eren said the popups from the thesaurus site made his computer run too slow. Sure. The popups were from the thesaurus site. Not those other sites Eren visited often.

“Context?” Armin asked, wrinkling his brow in thought.

“One tisp of vanilla extract—you know what, I’ll figure it out.”

“Why do you have so many sugar packets here?” Armin asked looking at the small packets scattered about the counter.

“Oh, so I didn’t want to buy any sugar so I just took a bunch of packets from the cafeteria.”

“I see,” Armin said, eyeing the many pink sweet n’ low packages in the mix. “Right, I’m leaving now.”

“Bye! Have fun studying!”

“Will do. I have that paper due on Tuesday so you know.”

Armin was nearly down the hall when Eren poked his head out and shouted after him.

“And say ‘hi’ to Horseface from me!” Eren grinned cheekily.

<*>

“You know most people use the kitchenette for making toast, or microwaving popcorn, or heating up a pizza in the oven,” Reiner, the hall RA said from the doorway.

“Reiner, I need your support, this is for love!” Eren said, stirring a pilfered cafeteria spoon in a mixing bowl furiously, his tongue stuck in the corner of his mouth.

“For love, eh?” Reiner asked watching Eren put his elbow into the bowl he had just been holding. “Who is the lucky guy?”

“I can’t say!” Eren shook his head.

“Why not?”

“Ours is a love forbidden by society!” Eren raged.

“Well, I just came over because the floor upstairs came down to ask that you stop doing…whatever it is that you are doing…because the oven vents into their bathroom and people are gagging from the smell.”

<*>

“Oh honey, it’s not that bad,” Krista said, patting Eren’s hair and then quickly wiping her hand off on a towel because his hair had an oddly crunchy texture from the cookie dough.

“Yes it is!” Eren sighed morosely.

“Yeah it is,” Ymir snorted and Krista elbowed her.

“They’re all burnt!” Eren cried.

“Well, here, we could…cover up the burnt ones with frosting!” Krista said brightly.

“Krista, you’re a genius!” Eren jumped up, kissing Krista on the cheek.

“Hey!” Ymir shouted, not happy that Eren was making moves on her girlfriend.

<*>

“Krista said I should try frosting them and this is how they turned out,” Eren waved helplessly.

“Not gonna lie it looks like someone jizzed on your cookies. Why did you make penis shaped cookies again?” Connie asked, scratching his shaved head.

“They’re hearts!” Eren said angrily, putting his hands on his hips.

“Apologies,” Connie said with a quirk of his mouth.

“I don’t think they look bad at all!” Sasha said, lifting one to her mouth.

Connie slapped it out of her hands with the reflexes of Bruce Lee and it fell on the floor heavily with an audible _clang_. For reference, baked items shouldn’t _clang_. Maybe a _boof_ at times or _fwup_ but definitely not a _clang_.

“There was a bug,” he lied at Eren’s confused expression before pulling Sasha away from a cracked tooth waiting to happen.

<*>

“It’s just I tried really hard,” Eren explained to Armin, who was back in the dorm room with Jean stretched out on his bed.

“I know you did,” Armin said in a placating tone.

“I just really wanted to make him something special, you know?” Eren cried, throwing his arm over his eyes, looking a great deal like a character from My So-Called Life reveling in their teenaged angst.

“Eren,” Annie barked from the doorway, standing next to Bert. “Reiner said to tell you that if you don’t clean up the toxic waste in the kitchenette, he will ban you from Krispy Kreme day.”

“Just leave me to die,” Eren whined. “I’m a failure.”

“What were you even trying to make?” Annie asked, because she’d seen the blacked cookie sheet and the scraped off remnants of some goopy mixture that looked like something you’d find floating preserved in a jar on a Sci-Fi set.

“I made cookies for my Valentine but they are ugly and now I have nothing to give him!”

“Did you even try one?” Armin asked. “Maybe they taste better than they look?”

“You’re right! Bert! Come try one of these!” Eren motioned to Bertholdt.

“That’s not what I meant,” Armin said in a sigh.

“Here, I made these with love. A potent love that punches through the ages! Try one!” Eren held the item out to an unmoving Bert.

“Please don’t make me,” Bert said, breaking out into a heavy sweat.

“Don’t be silly, try one!” Eren ordered, wedging it between Bert’s tightly closed lips.

“Please don’t make me!” Bert said through his teeth.

The cookie snapped with a loud ‘crack’ and Bert tucked the morsel under his tongue.

“Mmm,” Bert tried, eyes watering and then he coughed and spit out the cookie bits.

“…Why are they green on the inside?” Annie asked. “What in that kitchen could possibly have made them that color?”

“The measuring spoons,” Armin whispered to her.

“Oh god,” she said putting her hand over her eyes.

“Who is this mystery man again?” Jean drawled, flipping through one of Armin’s comics.

“I can’t tell you,” Eren said again, suddenly secretive.

“Maybe you can make him something more towards his interests?” Armin tried. “Or you could try poetry. Poetry is always very personal.”

“Poetry!” Eren jumped up, inspired. “He loves poetry! ‘How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.’ Man, Shakespeare knew what he was talking about.”

“Browning,” Armin corrected.

“Well Mr. Browning knew what he was talking about.”

“Missus,” Armin corrected again with a sigh.

“Mrs. Browning knew her shit. What about ‘She Walks in Beauty,’ eh? Shakespeare fucking got it man.”

“No,” Armin mouthed, shaking his head to Jean who tried to keep his back from shaking. “Still wrong.”

“I know! I could write him a poem!” Eren jumped excitedly. “Write my own sonnet!”

“That sounds like an excellent idea!” Armin said. “That way you can throw these away—“

“I’ll hold onto the cookies just in case!” Eren insisted.

Well it looked like Armin was going to be sleeping with the windows open. In February. Damnit Eren.

“Hm, a sonnet. What rhymes with Levi?”

“Wait, is this all for Levi Ackerman?” Jean asked laughing.

“Who’s Levi?” Armin asked.

“He’s this short grad student in the Classics department. Really, Eren? What about him is sexy?”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand!” Eren huffed.

“I’m curious,” Armin said, socking Jean in the ribs to be quiet.

“Okay, so we were in the elevator right? And I said something about how I was considering taking Latin 202 and he said if I took Smith’s class I should get comfortable with dactylic hexameter and I was all what’s that? And he took my hand and held it in his and extended my index finger and said, ‘It’s named for the finger—long, short, short.’ And as he said this, he traced his finger gently across my own and counted the spaces between knuckles. It was then that I knew I loved him and would be his forever,” Eren sighed, falling on his bed and clutching at his heart.

“That’s…quite a crush for someone you barely know,” Armin said, trying to sound nonjudgmental.

“Trust me, that guy only has the ‘short, short’ part of it,” Jean laughed at his own joke and Eren glared.

“It doesn’t matter because our love is forbidden. He is a grad student and I am only a lowly undergrad living in the dorms.”

“Well, he doesn’t teach in any of your classes, does he? If he’s not your teacher then I don’t think it’s a breach of ethics to date undergrads,” Armin tried because Eren looked very despondent.

“You’re right Armin!” Eren sat up. “Writing him a sonnet is perfect! Thanks! Hm. Sonnets…

‘There once was a teacher named Levi,  
Who happened to catch mine own eye,  
I loved him first,  
I must quench this thirst,  
Lest we be forced to give our good-byes!’

“What do you think?” Eren asked confidently. “Sonnets are easy!”

“That’s not a…you know I think he’ll really like it,” Armin nodded as Jean cried with laughter into the comic book.

“I’m going to go get some glitter pens from Mikasa!” Eren shouted, rushing from the room.

“Stop, it’s not funny,” Armin chastised Jean. “He’s completely head over heels for this guy.”

“I can’t wait to see Levi’s reaction when Eren reads him that limerick, oh god,” Jean cried, wiping at his eyes. “How come you never make me cookies?”

“Excuse me?” Armin asked, turning his blue eyes on Jean in amusement. “How come _you_ never make me cookies?”

“I’ll make you cookies,” Jean shrugged. “What do you want? Snickerdoodle? Molasses? Chocolate chip? Oatmeal raisin?”

Armin thought for a moment, “Chocolate fudge.”

“Done. Anything for my Valentine,” Jean shrugged, flipping the page and Armin grinned.

<*>

Three exploded glitter pens later and Armin suggested Eren buy chocolate truffles instead. Armed with his gift (and the others as backup) he waited by the double doors of the elevator, pacing in front, waiting for his Valentine.

“Go ahead,” he said to a petite woman with strawberry blonde hair.

Then when he saw Levi coming around the corner, a book opened in his hand and his scarf around his neck like a fancy tie, Eren fought to be alone in the elevator with him.

“Morning!” Eren called brightly, standing behind him and clutching all of his gifts.

Levi grunted in response.

“I think I am going to take Professor Smith’s class on the Aeneid,” Eren informed him cheerily.

“Good choice. Smith is tough, but he’s a great teacher,” Levi acknowledged, turning back to his book.

“Oh hey! Since it’s Valentine’s day I brought a bunch of chocolates in, so…here you go!” Eren said, handing the brightly colored package to him.

Levi stared at the wrapped gift for several seconds before reaching out to take it.

“Thanks…my class will love these,” Levi nodded, before turning towards his classroom.

“No!” Eren practically shouted. “Those are for you.”

“Me?” Levi repeated, not comprehending.

“Yeah,” Eren said breathlessly. “They’re truffles. I mean, the chocolate kind not the mushroom kind. That would be kindof weird.”

“For…me?” Levi was completely lost.

“Yes! I mean, that is if you want them. If not, I’ve got…uh, I wrote you a sonnet—“

“Sonnet,” Levi repeated, blinking.

“Yeah, but it’s terrible. I also baked cookies, but they’re awful.”

“Cookies?” Levi felt like a trained parrot.

“It’s so stupid. I just thought how everyone buys things so I decided to make you something but I’m not really good at it,” Eren sniffed.

“I…like cookies,” Levi struggled because Eren looked mortified and sad and he couldn’t believe someone had made something for him for Valentine’s Day.

“Really?” Eren looked up. “Because I—“ he pulled out the tin and handed it to Levi. “I have never made cookies before. It was harder than I thought. I don’t understand why recipes say ‘one cup’ of something because cups come in all different shapes and sizes. They really need a uniform system of measurement.”

Levi blinked and then opened the tin. Inside were several oblong paper thin and very brown cookies covered in a strange plastic looking frosting and messy pink and red sprinkles everywhere.

“You made these?” Levi asked looking at the tin like it was the Holy Grail.

“Yes.”

“For Valentine’s Day?” Levi tried hopefully.

“No, just for my Valentine.” Eren’s voice was froggy and thick and his eyelids were suddenly very heavy.

Levi felt his face flush all the way to the roots of his hair.

“I’m sorry. Is this too forward? I know we only had one conversation about—“

“Dactylic hexameter,” Levi uttered swiftly. “I remember.”

“Yes,” Eren nodded seriously. “Long, short, short.”

“Long, short, short,” Levi agreed.

“Go ahead try one!” Eren jumped on the idea.

Levi hesitantly picked one up between his thin fingers and, using his back teeth, took a bite.

“Mmm,” he said, chewing carefully so as not to crack his teeth. “They’re good.”

“Really?” Eren exclaimed happily. “Oh! I’m so relieved. See first I didn’t realize there was a difference between teaspoons and tablespoons and then I didn’t have any baking soda so I used baking powder and I apparently wasn’t supposed to do that.”

“An easy mistake to make,” Levi choked on the terrible cookies.

“Then I mixed up the salt and sugar…” Eren sighed, his hands on his hips.

“Is that what that is?” Levi asked, his eyes watering. “I think it adds a—“ he hacked up a cough “dimension of flavor.”

“Really?” Eren asked, his eyes shimmering in the fluorescent lighting and he looked so happy Levi didn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise.

“Mmhmm,” Levi nodded, mouth full of the rock hard cookie.

“Here!” Eren exclaimed, picking one up. “Have another!”

Levi’s face went pale.

<*>

“I don’t understand,” said Hanji, mouth full of truffles. “You ate the whole tin?”

“He was looking at me the entire time,” Levi moaned. “With these big green eyes! What was I supposed to do?”

“’There once was a teacher named Levi…’” Hanji read off of the still sticky card. “Let me get this straight, he made you cookies, and wrote you a poem, and got you truffles?”

“Yes.”

“And you have never talked to this boy before?”

“No, we exchanged one conversation in the elevator…he seemed—seems—nice. Sweet.”

“Sweet enough that he fed you poisoned cookies and you ate every single one of them?” Hanji asked.

“Urg, yes.”

“These truffles are good though.”

“Can you just please pass me the toilet paper? I’m dying here!” Levi practically sobbed.

“Are you going on a date then?” Hanji asked, fitting the roll through the door and helping themselves to another truffle.

“Yes, I think so,” Levi said, rubbing the soft two-ply against his face and kissing it.

“Where are you going? Movie? Bowling?”

“Actually…” Levi started hesitantly. “He wants to cook me dinner.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> My beta read this and added his own (dirty) limerick to the mix:
> 
> There once was a man named Levi  
> Who was so short he stood knee high  
> He’d make you come quick  
> When he’s sucking your dick  
> Just don’t get any on his white tie
> 
> =_=+ (my beta is useless, probably because I only pay him in cookies)
> 
> \--
> 
> If you like this fic, please leave kudos, comments, and check out my other fics!
> 
> Also feel free to add your own limericks because after Valentine's Day it's only a month until St. Paddy's so let's get a head start on that!


End file.
